seriously.

As I look at the pictures of my biological father I can’t help but feel no attachment to him whatsoever. I don’t know this man. My family always told me that I looked just like him as a baby, but as we’re both older now I see no resemblance. I don’t know this man and I’ve never cared too much about him. He’s a stranger to me.

But then as I scroll through the posted pictures and I see him with his wife and his other kids, I can’t help but feel angry. And I haven’t been angry at him in a very long time. Yet as I see these recent pictures I feel tears behind my eyes and heat around my ears and I wonder Why wasn’t I worth it? Almost 25 years have gone by and I was never worth a phone call or a birthday card. I was never worth it to get an explanation of why my father couldn’t be a parent to me.

I’ve carried on well in my life. I’ve learned that my life is amazing and that if this man had stayed around to care for me, then I wouldn’t be where I am today.

So why this sudden curiosity and wonder about the man who is essentially half of my being? It’s because I know that he is literally a town away from me now. I’ve lived all my life on the mainland away from him, never having to face him, but now God has brought me to this island. The island that my biological father lives on. The island that he moved to after leaving my mother and me.

It is the most haunting feeling knowing that I could have passed this man a hundred times in the past month of living here, and neither of us would’ve known.

It would be amazing to someday meet this stranger and for a happily ever after to happen. For him to welcome me in his arms and to apologize for not being there for me. For him to tell me that he’s proud of what I’ve accomplished. Then for him to be a part of the rest of my life, to be the grandfather to my children, and great grandfather to their’s. That would undoubtedly be amazing.

What I really want, though, is to just keep that part of my life closed forever. I honestly don’t want to deal with any of it. It’s been buried for so long that it seems like a burden to dig it up.

I have spent my entire life without you, so I see no need for you to be in it now.

That’s the bitterness talking. Underneath that I know there’s a reason why I’m in this state, on this island, in this city right next to his. I know this isn’t a coincidence. I know it. But for now, I’m going to hold on to this bitterness I haven’t felt in over 10 years just for a little bit longer. I’m sure it’ll melt in the morning.